The Onion: Health Experts Worry Coronavirus Will Overwhelm America’s GoFundMe System

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BALTIMORE—Warning that the nation was unprepared to deal with the fallout of the global pandemic, researchers from Johns Hopkins University told reporters Friday they worried that Covid-19 would overwhelm America’s GoFundMe system. “GoFundMe is the bedrock of the American healthcare system, and as the number of Covid-19 cases continues to rapidly spread, we fear the servers just won’t be able to take it,” said research director Dr. Monica White, who stressed that if the pandemic were to grow any worse, there simply would not be enough $5 and $10 donations from sympathetic strangers to go around. “America’s GoFundMe system is already overburdened. There are only so many links from sick friends of friends we can share on social media before the whole thing collapses. We recommend that if anyone is suffering from minor financial strife such a medical debt from the cost of insulin or cancer treatment, you defer to those diagnosed with Covid-19.” At press time, GoFundMe employees announced they were working around the clock to ensure the health and safety of the nation

The Onion: Thousands Of PETA Activists Descend On Hoover Headquarters To Protest Vacuum Cleaner That Spooked Dog

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“Animal lives are equal to human lives, and a vacuum startling any dog—particularly such a good boy as Ruffles—is nothing short of terrorism,” said protest organizer Rebecca Watts, who brandished a dust-filled vacuum bag she intended to pour on an unwitting Hoover executive.