The Onion: John Bolton Jealous “After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon”


Expressing frustration that the president was able to attain what he himself never had, former National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly seething with jealousy Tuesday that President Trump got to become a real-life living, breathing biological weapon. “If only I had stayed in the administration, I could’ve been the one to get infected with a deadly virus capable of defeating all of America’s enemies,” said Bolton, growing increasingly incensed that the president had so easily stumbled into such an efficient method of viral warfare.

The Onion: ‘NBA Hangtime’ Announcer Remembers Calling Scottie Pippen’s Classic Fire Double Dunk Game

This is one of my favorite video game stories from The Onion, where it essentially takes the over-the-top absurdity of NBA Hangtime color commentary and treats it as ESPN would have if it were a real sporting event,

. . . former NBA Hangtime announcer Dick Walters described calling Scottie Pippen’s classic 1997 fire double dunk game. “I could tell Pippen was going to have a good night once he threw down that front flip dunk after winning the opening tip, but I had no idea he would go on to dominate every single possession for all 12 minutes of the game,” said Walters, who recalled impulsively screaming “he jams it in!” at the top of his lungs after Pippen threw a no-look alley-oop pass across the entire court to his werewolf teammate, setting off the 400 fans in an already electric Midway Arena.