Spoiler alert: its hard of anything that happens in Star Trek that isn’t obvious in the first 10 minutes of the movie (heck, if you watched the trailers closely there’s no surprises), but if you haven’t seen it and are particularly dull, be forewarned — this might ruin the plot not only to Star Trek but also to every formulaic summer action/sci-fi film.
So JJ Abrams’ take on Star Trek is an enormous hit and garnered relatively good reviews. It is not a bad summer movie in the same way that, say, Armageddon was not a bad summer movie. If all you want from a movie is to watch some cool effects and an occasional explosion or fifty, both of those films will deliver, and without any fealty to any internal consistency on the science. Fine, I could live with that. But what Star Trek combines is a complete lack of a meaningful story in conjunction with the worst aspects of the Star Trek franchise.
For all of the media commentary about how Star Trek films (of all things) were too cerebral and Abrams’ movie represented a break with that, Abrams draws on the most overused hackneyed plot device that pretty much ruined Trek in general — time travel. And here we’re talking about time travel that supposedly results in a supposedly new timeline so Abrams can presumably discard the long history of Trek. Abrams should have called his movie Star Trek: Crisis on Infinite Worlds — given his history on Lost and Alias, the next movie will almost certainly feature retcons galore and soon the continuity will be orders of magnitude more complex than it already was.
Oddly, though, Abrams proceeds to simply fill in the details of his new film by borrowing liberally from the previous films and series, so it is difficult to understand what the point of the time travel reboot plot was in the first place (in fact there are brief but interesting homages to Star Trek II and Star Trek IV — both of which were much better films than this). Perhaps Abrams thinks time travel is the alpha and omega of science fiction; one can almost imagine script meetings these days…oh its a sci-fi film, don’t forget the time travel subplot!
Once you get past the pretty explosions and the incoherent time travel plot, there’s not much else to Star Trek. There’s very little of the humor or the character interactions that made Star Trek sometimes interesting. The characters wear familiar outfits, but they’re cookie cutter depictions that could be applied to any generic space opera film. Whereas Gene Roddenbery once called Star Trek “Wagon train to the stars”, Abrams model is more like “Friday Night Lights with spaceships and phasers.”
Leonard Nimoy’s in there, but his presence just reminds the audience of just how poor the new replacements are — ultimately they’re little more than placeholders for the original actors and the entire movie is a pale shadow of what it could have been.
Still going to go see it.
Cool. I’ll be curious to know what your impressions are. I think the best part is definitely Zachary Quinto. He really comes closest to pulling off the young version of his character — the script just isn’t up to his performance (hmmm..kinda like that show Quinto’s on).
The other thing is the press hype was ‘you don’t need to be a ST nerd to get this movie’. Maybe not, but like half the interesting stuff you do need to be a ST nerd to get, including nice homages to ST II and IV.
But ultimately it struck me as what you might get if you asked Jerry Bruckheimer to do a serious reboot of Galaxy Quest.
Galaxy Quest is talking sequel, now that you mention it. And dear lord, so is Tod McFarlane and Spawn. I might throw up if I see that in my RSS feeds again.
JWZ apparently didn’t like the movie, either.
Man, I can see what you mean about CoComments. I CANNOT figure out how to use them on your new site design.
Don’t know how real this is… Could be a hoax… Looks BAD for Abrams 2nd Trek movie. I mean BAD!
******MEGA-SPOILERS******
Reportedly taken from a pre?production script
NEAR-COMPLETE summary of ST2 Plot
This is the Real Deal!
***DO NOT READ BELOW THIS LINE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT STAR TREK 2***
Opens on a Klingon ship or planet (very vaugely described, but definitely not Earth, Enterprise or Federation)…
Spock Prime has been captured by Klingons. They use a Mind Sifter to extract classified information. Much of it about the future, including Project Genesis–and Khan! Genesis hasn’t been developed yet–but Khan is still out there… An expedition is assembled to capture the Botany Bay…
This section is all in Klingon and subtitled in English.
Enterprise warps thorough space.
Kirk’s voiceover Captain’s Log entry, stardate etc. establishing situation. Enterprise has recently been upgraded with new phasers and torpedoes, blah blah blah…
Sulu announces that a Klingon cruiser has entered Federation space. Kirk orders him to follow.
Scott: “We’re armed and ready. Let’s go kick some Klingon ass.”
We see a Klingon cruiser coming along side the Botany Bay.
Klingons beam over and resurrect Khan. He springs to life and strangles at least one. The other Klingons grab Khan but other cryo-freeze pods open up and Khan’s crew get the jump on the Klingons.
Khan begins to study the records extracted from Spock Prime on the Mind Sifter machine’s display. He reads much faster than normal humans. Pages and pages of data flash by at fucking-fast speeds.
Close-up of Khan smiling…
The Enterprise arrives.
Spock scans the Botany Bay reading his instrumentation. “Fascinating. Ancient ship centuries old” blah blah blah…
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Uhura beam over.
Chekov is left in command (a “training lesson” a.k.a. comic relief).
The Klingon cruiser decloaks and rips off a nacelle on the Enterprise.
Chekov: “Holy Shit!”
Long, dragged-out speech from Khan to Kirk and co. about who and what he is. “My destiny is to rule the universe. Great ancestors of mine like Bin Ladin should have conquered Earth” etc.
Khan’s not getting through to Kirk so he grabs Uhura (“Let’s see what a 23rd Century Black Bitch tastes like…”)
Kirk freaks out. Spock neck-pinches two of Khan’s henchmen. A phaser fight breaks out. Khan’s men open up lockers and break out Energy Spike weapons (like light sabers on steroids with beams that whip around)…
Khan grabs Uhura again and Kirk goes after him.
Kirk (to Spock and McCoy as he chases Khan): “Get back to the Enterprise!”
McCoy argues. Spock argues. Spock applies logic explaining that Khan has many times his strength and can’t fight him. “But he’s got Uhura!” blah blah blah.
They beam back to the Enterprise but find one of Khan’s men operating the transporter! “Hands up!” Energy Spikes close-in on Kirk and co.
They’re taken prisoner. Khan has his ship!
They are thrown into the brig where they meet the Klingons.
They learn that Khan’s crew have all been revived and Most of Kirk’s are now in the cryopods on the Botany Bay.
Kirk emplores the Klingons to join forces…
Klingon: “Work with you, Kirk? I’d rather suck a dead tribble!”
A fight breaks out. Khan’s guards find it very entertaining and approach closer for a better view. They get decked. Everyone escapes the brig.
The Klingons run to reclaim their own ship.
Kirk to the Klingons as they leave: “Start sucking.”
We cut to the Bridge. We see Chekov under guard. Kirk and Spock emerge another fight as They learn to properly use Khan’s Energy Spike weapons in combat and eventually regain control of the ship. Chekov gets it bad. McCoy treats him. Unfortunately the bridge is in even worse shape with consoles sliced in half, sparks and smoke everywhere…
Spock runs to the Intruder Control Station: “Shipboard phasers set to Stun and Inverted.”
Kirk: “Isolate Bridge deck and fire all phasers.”
Exterior Enterprise. Phaser mounts pop up all over the hull and do a curious 180-degree flip. The outer hull blazes bright red for 10 seconds.
Cut to various shots of interior decks as we see Khan’s crew drop unconscious…
The viewscreen comes on.
Khan: “Your ship–give it to me, Kirk!”
Various insults exchanged here. Eventually a one-on-one meeting comes up. Kirk refuses. Khan says he has no choice…
Khan’s got Uhura and shows her on the viewer: “Then you sacrifice your Black Bitch, Kirk.”
Kirk gives his famous “Khaaahn!” scream and the screen goes black.
Kirk: “I’m beaming over there.”
McCoy: “Jim, that’s what he Wants…”
Kirk: “Then he’s gonna get It.”
As Kirk departs for the transporter room, we see a third Energy Pike wand sticking out of his back pants.
Kirk beams over. We cut to a view of the Botany Bay on the main screen. Portions of its hull open up revealing bad-ass laser cannons!
First two, then four, then a dozen, then two dozen…
McCoy: “I’ve got a BAD feeling about this.”
Spock: “They’re targeting us. Fascinating. Old-style pulse lasers.”
McCoy: “Spock! Do Something!”
Spock takes the Helm. He jestures for McCoy to take Navigation.
Spock: “I Am, Doctor…”
McCoy: “What the hell am I doing Here? I’m a Doctor not a Russian!”
Lots of button-pushing. Spock tells McCoy press this, do that, monitor this… The Enterprise swings around, still barely maneuverable on one nacelle. Phasers fire on the Botany Bay but the Botany Bay scores some serious hits on the E first…
The Botany Bay is rolling around as Kirk materializes in the dark.
We hear Khan’s voice in the blackness: “Your ship is Sinking, Kirk…”
We see from Kirk’s point of view a shitload of cryo-cubicles Stacked with Enterprise crewmen in suspended animation.
Kirk (ignites his Energy Pike): “You’ll pay for this…”
Cut back to Exterior of the Botany Bay and Enterprise still blasting the shit out of each other. The Enterprise now has No nacelles left.
The Botany Bay’s extteior is in bad shape too with its fins shot off, but it’s stopped firing.
Spock (checking targeting display): “All weapons neutralized”
McCoy (sighing): “At Last…”
But then airlocks pop open on the Botany Bay’s exterior and space suited crewmen float out with jetpacks. They’re heading toward the Enterprise blasting away. The main screen explodes.
Spock: “Prepare to repel boarders”
Spock runs for the turbo-lift. McCoy follows: “SPOCK!?!”
Cut back to the Botany Bay Interior:
A long sequence ensues with Kirk and Khan fighting. This is a bad-ass fight! Energy Pikes eventually sputter and fail resulting in hand-to-hand… Khan picks Kirk up and throws him around. Just when Khan thinks he’s done-in Kirk, comic relief is interjected: Kirk kicks him in the genitals. Khan screams, releases Kirk who runs off.
Khan: “At least Fight like a Man! Coward!”
Deep within the Enteprise, Spock and McCoy emerge from a turbo-lift.
Spock says the space assault force is headed for the shuttle bay. McCoy’s ready to panic. Spock tells him the logical course of action is to ambush them.
Spock: “Logically they will have to pass Jefferies Tube Delta.”
McCoy: “I’m not trained for this.”
Spock: “Neither were you trained to navigation a Class One ship of the line, Doctor, until approximately 12.43 minutes ago…”
Back on the Botany Bay, Kirk’s wandered into another compartment. He hears a voice…
Spock Prime: “Jim!”
Prime is found bound, in a bad way with various metal implants through his skull…
Back to the Enterprise, various shots of Jefferies Tube Delta…
Space suited warriors begin climbing aboard, marching through airlocks.
Close-up of JTD as Spock and McCoy leap out. They are armed with phaser rifles and wearing combat gear. They open fire and drop Khan’s soldiers.
McCoy: “I used to be a Doctor. Now I’m a gunner…”
Spock raises an eyebrow.
On the Botany Bay, Kirk and Spock Prime confront Khan.
Various chit-chats are exchanged. Khan boasting of his superior strength and intellect. He threatens to turn off the life support systems and kill all of Kirk’s crew in cryo pods.
Kirk ignores most of Khan’s threats: “Where is Lieutenant Uhura?”
Khan points to an adjacent compartment. We see Uhura unconscious, her uniform shredded, her breasts partially exposed.
Khan: “Women three hundred years ago were Better. More Durable.”
He grabs Kirk and lifts him Vader-style to the ceiling.
Just then we hear the transporter effect. Klingons materialize and raise their weapons.
Klingon: “You can keep Kirk but Khan is Ours…”
A beat. Huh?
Klingon: “We’re on a mission. We need the secret of Khan’s genetic engineering to save our race.”
Captain’s Log voiceover here. Outlining the situation with Klingons and Khan. An agreement is drawn up. The Enterprise crew are revived and back on duty. Blah blah blah…
Varous shots and dialogue exchanged (i.e. PAGES MISSING!) with Khan telling Kirk “This is not over… We’ll meet again…” blah blah blah…
Chekov and Sulu are looking good. Stupid Russian joke from Chekov. Sulu says he’s ready to leap back behind the help like a tree-squirrel.
Scotty is still confined to sickay but happy so long as he has access to Treknical blueprints and manuals…
In Sickbay:
We find Spock Prime nearly dead on total life support systems. McCoy says he can’t save him. Spock Prime mind-melds with our Spock, transferring his katra and all his future knowledge before dying.
McCoy: “He’s dead, Jim.”
McCoy: “At least Uhura will be alright…”
After a moment of silence, Uhura (sitting on an adjacent diagnostic bed) turns to Kirk: “Captain, I’m pregnant.”
FADE OUT
END
Over End Credits is Spock Prime’s: “Space, The Final Frontier. These Are The Continuing Voyages…”