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<h1>The Chameleon Man</h1>
<p>&nbsp;</p>

<h2>By WILLIAM P. McGIVERN</h2>
<p>&nbsp;</p>

<div class="blockquot"><p>Perfect adaptation, that's what it was.
When a human being can blend with his
surroundings, funny things can happen!</p></div>


<hr style="width: 65%;" />

<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
<img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_001.jpg" width="300" height="830" alt="" title="" />
</div>

<p><span class="p1">I</span>'ve got an office in the <i>Daily Standard</i>
building and sometimes when
things are slow in my line&mdash;theatrical
bookings&mdash;I drift upstairs and
talk to the guy who writes the column,
The Soldier's Friend, for the <i>Standard</i>.</p>

<p>On this particular morning I walked
into his office and found it empty so
I sat down and waited, figuring he was
downstairs getting a mug of coffee.
After I cleaned my nails and glanced
through Jake's mail I propped my feet
up on the desk and relaxed.</p>

<p>Things in my line were strictly
stinkeroo. With the army taking an
option on every available hunk of male
flesh, it made it pretty tough to get
acts together. Of course, I still had a
few dollies to peddle, but the situation
don't look too good there, what with
the WAVES and the WAACS and the
demand from factories for powder-puff
riveters.</p>

<p>I sighed and moodily contemplated
my uncreased trouser legs and thought
of my non-existent bank balance.
Whoever said war was hell, sure hit
the nail on the head.</p>

<p>The door opened and I heard a shuffle
of footsteps on the floor. I tipped
my derby back and looked up, expecting
to see Jake, but the office was
empty.</p>

<p>The door was standing open and I
scratched my head. Maybe it had
blown open. Then I remembered the
sound of footsteps I'd heard and my
bewilderment increased.</p>

<p>"Hello," a voice said.</p>

<p>My feet came down from the desk
with a crash. I sat up straight and
stared about the small room.</p>

<p>"Who said that?" I demanded.</p>

<p>"I did. I'm right here." It was the
same voice and I jerked my head in
the direction of the sound.</p>

<p>For an instant I didn't see a thing.
But then, my eyes seemed suddenly
to focus, and I saw a tall, lanky young
man standing a few feet from me. He
had a shock of straw colored hair and
mild blue eyes. He wore a light suit.</p>

<p>"Can you see me now?" he asked,
and his voice sounded strained, as if
he were exerting himself in some manner.</p>

<p>"Yes, I can see you," I said. I was
a little nettled. "What do you mean
coming in and scaring people that
way?"</p>

<p>"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean
to scare you. I just can't help it.
I'll have to relax now."</p>

<p>"You'll have to what? Are you&mdash;"</p>

<p>I broke off and goggled. The young
man had completely disappeared. My
forehead was suddenly damp with
nervous perspiration. I closed my eyes
and forced myself to think calmly. This
was some trick of my imagination. I'd
been working too hard. My nerves
were shot. I'd have to take a rest.</p>

<p>I opened my eyes cautiously. The
room was empty. I drew a relieved
breath.</p>

<p>"I'm sorry if I frightened you," a
familiar voice said apologetically.
"But, you see, I can't help it."</p>

<p>I stood up warily and peered about
the room.</p>

<p>"Where are you?" I whispered.</p>

<p>"Right here in front of you."</p>

<p>"If you're a mahout for pink elephants,
I don't want to see you," I
said. "Go away."</p>

<p>"Please," the young man's voice was
plaintive, "I need your advice. I'm in
trouble."</p>

<p>"That's too bad," I said, edging toward
the door.</p>

<p>"Please listen to me. There's nothing
to be afraid of."</p>

<p>"From your viewpoint, no," I said.</p>

<p>"If you'll look carefully you can see
me," the voice said. "That's what bothers
most people. I mean not being able
to see me."</p>

<p>"How stupid of them to be bothered
by a little thing like that," I said, trying
not to gibber. But in spite of my
common sense I did peer closely at the
area the young man had occupied and
I saw a very remarkable thing.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
<div class="figleft"><img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_i.jpg" alt="I" width="19" height="40" /></div>
<p>&nbsp; saw the vague, indistinct shape of
the straw-haired, blue-eyed young
man standing exactly where I had seen
him the first time. But the effect was
so uncertain and shadowy that I was
hardly able to trust my eyes.</p>

<p>The young man seemed to blend into
the background, which happened to be
a desk, water cooler and wall, so evenly
and completely that it was impossible
to see him at all.</p>

<p>But even so, seeing him, however
fuzzily, was a relief.</p>

<p>"It's a good trick," I said cautiously.</p>

<p>"It's not a trick," the young man
said, aggrieved. "It's something I can't
help."</p>

<p>"Oh yeah? Well how does it happen
that I was able to see you when
you came in?"</p>

<p>"I was exerting my will power," the
young man said. "But that's awfully
tiring. I had to relax a moment or so
and when I did you weren't able to
see me quite so distinctly."</p>

<p>I found my curiosity stirring. Maybe
the guy was a crackpot or phony,
but it wouldn't hurt to hear his story.
In my line, with things as lean as they
are, you can't afford to miss any bets.</p>

<p>"What makes you pop on and off like
an electric light?" I asked. "Must be
a tiring way to go through life."</p>

<p>"You don't know the half of it," the
young man said mournfully. "I've only
been this way for a few months, but it
seems like it's been years."</p>

<p>"Well, go on," I said. "Spill your
troubles. Why should Mr. Anthony
have all the fun?"</p>

<p>"What?"</p>

<p>"Never mind. Shoot."</p>

<p>"I'm not sure what causes me to
fade-out like this. I've been to a half
dozen doctors and psychiatrists and
they aren't sure either. But it has
something to do with personality development,
they think. The last psychiatrist
I visited told me that I had
a very colorless personality and abnormal
inhibitions and frustrations. He
said that my present condition was a
physical manifestation of my colorless
personality."</p>

<p>I shook my head disgustedly.</p>

<p>"That sounds about as asinine as the
droolings of the average psychiatrist,"
I muttered. "He didn't know and spent
an hour saying so, I'll bet."</p>

<p>"It's awful," the young man sighed
disconsolately. "I can make myself visible
for a little while but it's awfully
tiring. The rest of the time I go around
like a ghost. I blend into the background
so completely that people just
don't notice me at all. It's just like
not being alive."<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></p>

<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> The young man's peculiar physical condition
is not as fantastic and unprecedented as one might
at first believe. Everyone has had the experience
of meeting a person who makes almost no impression
whatsoever on them. People with such
anemia of the personality are constantly being
forgotten, overlooked even by friends who know
them well. Their presence in a room will be unobserved
for several minutes and, frequently, such
people will be completely ignored, even when
they are sitting or standing in plain view. In
nature, the chameleon has similar properties but
for a definite reason, namely that of defense
against its stronger enemies. The chameleon
blends perfectly into the brown and green foliage
of its native habitat and even the marvelously
keen eyes of its natural enemies are unable to
detect its presence. It is not impossible to conceive
that the same camouflaging property could
develop in a human being. Nature might appreciate
the difficulty of a retiring, sensitive person
to mingle with his more vivid fellow creatures,
and so clothe him with a defensive armor of
practical invisibility to insulate him against the
attacks of those with stronger personalities.
Readers of <i>Fantastic Adventures</i> will remember
John York Cabot's classic, "The Man the World
Forgot," as an exposition of this theme. Unexplained
instances of men and women "disappearing"
from normal environments might be
simply cases of submerged personalities which
did not "disappear" but were simply and tragically
forgotten.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span></p></div>

<p>I studied the vague shape of the
young man carefully. I could see him,
but only by straining my eyes. The
whole thing was amazing. Looking
carefully, I realized that the young man
was <i>not</i> invisible; he was just easy to
miss because he was so inconspicuously
blended into the background of the
office.</p>

<p>"You'd probably have a fine time on
a patch work quilt," I said.</p>

<p>The young man shuddered.</p>

<p>"Please don't joke," he said imploringly.
"I'm in real trouble. I need
help."</p>

<p>"I'll say you do," I said. "But I don't
see what I can do for you."</p>

<p>"It's this," the young man said. "My
draft board just deferred me with a
4-F classification. They told me I
wouldn't be any good in my present
shape. So there."</p>

<p>I looked at the young phantom.</p>

<p>"Well&mdash;go on!"</p>

<p>"Go on? That's all there is to it.
They've rejected me. They won't take
me."</p>

<p>"And that's your problem?"</p>

<p>"Naturally."</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
<div class="figleft"><img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_i.jpg" alt="I" width="19" height="40" /></div>
<p>&nbsp; shook my head. It takes all
kinds, I guess.</p>

<p>"Now listen to me," I said. "If the
army doesn't want you, consider yourself
lucky."</p>

<p>"But I want to get in," the young
man protested. "I won't feel right until
I am in service."</p>

<p>"You left that psychiatrist too soon,"
I muttered. "Anyway, what do you expect
me to do?"</p>

<p>"Why, I was sure you could help
me," the young man said. "You're the
Soldier's Friend, aren't you? You
write the column of advice to the Yanks
in the <i>Standard</i>, don't you?"</p>

<p>I got it then. This wraith thought
I was the Soldier's Friend. That's why
he was spilling himself to me.</p>

<p>He continued. "You know all the
angles of the various branches of the
Service, and I hoped you'd be able to
recommend some branch that could use
me. I'm willing to do anything or go
anywhere. If you'll help me I'll put
myself completely in your hands."</p>

<p>"Now just a minute," I said. "You've
got the wrong idea. The guy you want
to see&mdash;"</p>

<p>I closed my big mouth with a snap.
What was wrong with me? Were my
brains on a permanent vacation? Here
was opportunity hammering and banging
at my door and I was too deaf to
hear a sound.</p>

<p>This hard-to-see young man was a
natural for show business. I already
had an act lined up that he would fit
as neatly as five fingers in a glove.
And he was practically begging me to
take him under my wing.</p>

<p>"Young man," I said. "You impress
me as being sincere and earnest. And
for that reason I am going to try and
help you."</p>

<p>"Oh, gosh, thanks."</p>

<p>"It's the least I can do," I said.
"But," I added sternly, "you've got to
put yourself completely in my hands.
You mustn't question a thing I tell you
to do. You see, this isn't going to be
easy. I'll have to go about it in a
rather roundabout way. And it may
take a little while."</p>

<p>"Oh, I don't care," the young man
said happily. "Anything you say is all
right with me."</p>

<p>"Fine." I glanced at my watch.
"We've got to go now. You follow
me."</p>

<p>"Sure, Mr.&mdash;"</p>

<p>"Flannigan," I said automatically.</p>

<p>"But, Mr. Flannigan, that isn't the
name you use on your column."</p>

<p>"Naturally," I said. "Very sharp
of you to catch that. I might get you
into Intelligence, even if only as a decoy.
The name I use on the column is
a pseudonym."</p>

<p>"Oh!"</p>

<p>"Now come along with me."</p>

<p>I hurriedly got my young phantom
out of the Soldier's Friend office before
anyone could butt in and ruin everything.
When we were safely ensconced
in my own office, I waved the young
man to a chair.</p>

<p>"What's your name?" I asked.</p>

<p>"Horatio Heely," he replied.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
<div class="figleft"><img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_i.jpg" alt="I" width="19" height="40" /></div>
<p>&nbsp; was becoming more enthused every
minute. Looking at him, or <i>trying</i> to
look at him, seated in a chair, convinced
me of his enormous potentialities. The
chair was brown leather and, at first
glance, the only thing that indicated
that it was occupied, was a slight indentation
in the seat and back of the
chair. Horatio blended in perfectly
with the deep brown of the chair and
his face, which stuck up six or eight
inches, was invisible against the grayness
of the wall.</p>

<p>"Maybe you could get me into the
Coast Guard," he said.</p>

<p>I frowned. "I hardly think so," I
said. "I know the Commander over
there but I don't think I could swing it.
Now, remember, you're going to leave
everything in my hands."</p>

<p>The door of my office opened then
and a slim, stunning blonde walked in,
followed by a tall, gaunt, sober individual
with a gloomy face and deep
black eyes. He wore a turban with an
imitation jewel set in the center folds,
squarely over his high forehead.</p>

<p>"Hah!" this character cried. "I
suppose again you will tell me there is
nothing for Mystiffio The Great, today."</p>

<p>"Ix-nay," I snapped. "Ut-shay up-yay!"</p>

<p>The blonde looked at me, eyebrows
raising.</p>

<p>"What gives, mastermind?"</p>

<p>This was the act I had in mind for
Horatio. Mystiffio was a fair magician
and his line of patter wasn't bad. The
blonde, whose name was Alice, acted as
a prop, and with her looks and Mystiffio's
line they didn't do badly. But
with Horatio in the act it would be tremendous.</p>

<p>He would blend perfectly into the
stage background. Invisible, he could
assist Mystiffio with the hocus-pocus
and really produce some wonderful effects.</p>

<p>Alice was still looking at me as if
I'd gone batty.</p>

<p>"Just trust Uncle," I said hastily. "I
got a great new angle for your act."</p>

<p>"You act as if you've been out in
the sun too long," Alice murmured.
"But don't mind me."</p>

<p>With a weary sigh she sank into the
brown leather chair. And one-tenth of
a second later she leaped to her feet
with a scream. She wheeled about,
hand raised to slap, and then as she
stared at the seemingly empty chair, an
expression of wonderment stole over
her pretty face.</p>

<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
<img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_002.jpg" width="500" height="629" alt="&quot;Oh!&quot; she screamed, and leaped from the chair" title="" />
<span class="caption">&quot;Oh!&quot; she screamed, and leaped from the chair</span>
</div>

<p>"What&mdash;I could have sworn I&mdash;"
She turned to me pleadingly. "What
is it? Am I going screwy or is there
somebody sitting in that chair?"</p>

<p>"Horatio," I said. "Exert a little
willpower and show yourself."</p>

<p>"All right, Mr. Flannigan," Horatio's
voice from the chair answered.</p>

<p>Mystiffio moved nervously toward
the door.</p>

<p>"I don't believe it," he said. His
broad dark face was an unhappy mixture
of fear and surprise.</p>

<p>"Well, I'll be darned!" Alice cried.
She was staring at the chair, or rather
at Horatio, who had suddenly become
visible.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
<div class="figleft"><img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_i.jpg" alt="I" width="19" height="40" /></div>
<p>&nbsp; made the introductions quickly.</p>

<p>"Now that's enough, Horatio," I
said. "You can turn yourself off again.
I don't want you to wear out."</p>

<p>"Thanks," Horatio said gratefully.
He smiled faintly at Alice. "Pleased
to have met you," he said. Then he
vanished into the brown background
of the chair.</p>

<p>"Get me a drink!" Mystiffio said.
He grasped the edge of the desk and
stared solemnly at the empty brown
chair. "Get me two drinks."</p>

<p>"What is it?" Alice demanded.
"How do you do it? Mirrors? Lighting?
It's terrific."</p>

<p>"It's completely on the level. Now
here's the angle. I'm going to put this
guy into your act. Wait'll the crowds
get a load of Mystiffio's magic then.
With Horatio in the background pulling
the strings he'll make Thurston
look like an amateur parlor entertainer."</p>

<p>Mystiffio turned to me stiffly.</p>

<p>"What," he said frigidly, "makes you
think I need an invisible man to help
me in my act? I am perfectly capable
of astounding and amazing an audience
by myself."</p>

<p>"You're quoting your own press notices
now," I said. "I know; I wrote
'em."</p>

<p>"And what makes you think I'm not
as good as Thurston?" Mystiffio asked
in an injured voice.</p>

<p>"Ah, temperament!" I murmured. I
turned to Alice. "You work on him.
You can see that Horatio will be a
good thing, can't you? You don't want
your act to die, do you?"</p>

<p>"Mr. Flannigan." It was Horatio.
His voice sounded apologetic. "I don't
want to disturb you, but what has all
this got to do with getting me into the
army? You sound more like a booking
agent than the Soldier's Friend."</p>

<p>Alice looked at me.</p>

<p>"Heel," she said. "What kind of
line are you giving him?"</p>

<p>"Horatio," I said. "I am disappointed.
I expected a little trust from
you. Didn't I tell you it might be a little
while before I got things set? This
angle I'm working now will put you
practically into the army."</p>

<p>"Yeah! How?"</p>

<p>"I'm going to line you up doing an
act for the U. S. O. Does that show
you my heart's in the right place?"</p>

<p>"There will be a short pause for cat-calls
and boos," Alice murmured.</p>

<p>"All right," Horatio said with a sigh.
"I'll go along with you."</p>

<p>"Fine," I said. "And just to get you
used to army life I'm going to start paying
you fifty bucks a month."</p>

<p>"You great big generous man," Alice
said and I think there was a twinge of
sarcasm in her voice.</p>

<p>"Now that's no way to talk," I said.
"I'm doing the lad a favor."</p>

<p>"Yeah," she said. "I'm sure you are.
Just like a man picking up a dollar bill
is doing the street cleaners a favor."</p>

<p>"You don't understand my noble motives,"
I said, "so I will not talk about
them anymore. Tomorrow we start
rehearsing the new act."</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
<div class="figleft"><img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_w.jpg" alt="W" width="51" height="40" /></div>
<p>ell, sir, it was absolutely amazing
the way Horatio picked that
act up. With his dexterous, invisible
help Mystiffio performed like the paragon
of all prestidigitators. Alice added
a jolt of high-voltage eye-appeal to the
ensemble, by smiling sweetly and wearing
a black satin bathing suit that had
been designed by some patriotic person
who believed in saving material to the
point of cutting down on essentials.</p>

<p>I was sure, for the first time in my
stretch in this loony business, that I
had an option on a nice private little
gold mine.</p>

<p>And I wasn't going to let anything
upset my cartful of golden apples.</p>

<p>"Okay," I said. They were rehearsing
on the stage of an empty theater
which was owned by a guy I'd done
some favors for. "You look pretty
good, but don't let it go to your head.
The act needs a lot of work. Keep at
it. I'm going out to get a sandwich."</p>

<p>Alice put her hands on her hips and
looked down at me.</p>

<p>"Everything is fifty-fifty with you,
isn't it?" she said. "We do the work,
you get the money. Nice even split."</p>

<p>"Careful, beautiful," I said. "You'll
die of your own poisons, if you don't
look out." I waved to her and left.
After I'd had a bite to eat, I went to
see one of the biggest agents in the
business, the guy who books all the
acts into the Capitol in New York.</p>

<p>"Look, Morry," I said, when his secretary
had ushered me into his office,
which was big enough to hold the
World Series in, "I've really got something
terrific lined up."</p>

<p>Morry looked up at me and his little
eyes were uninterested. He yawned
and dusted a fleck of dust from the
sleeve of his coat.</p>

<p>"What is it?" he asked.</p>

<p>"It's a magician's act that&mdash;"</p>

<p>Morry shook his head. "Magicians
are dead. Who wants to see rabbits
pulled out of a hat?"</p>

<p>"This is different. This guy is good."</p>

<p>"All right, he's good," Morry said.
"So what? We can't use him."</p>

<p>"But you ought to at least see the
act," I pleaded. "It's got a honey
of a girl, too."</p>

<p>"Girl?" Morry glanced up and there
was a flicker of interest in his little
eyes.</p>

<p>"Yeah, a honey."</p>

<p>"Well," Morry shrugged. "I can't
promise anything, but we do need an
act to fill in a spot within a week or
so. But whatever I get has to be good.
I can't send bums to New York."</p>

<p>"I know. I know," I said. My heart
was hammering with hope. One
break on the Stem and I'd be set.
"When will you catch the act? Tomorrow
be all right?"</p>

<p>Morry nodded.</p>

<p>I went back to the theatre walking
about three feet from the ground. I
felt I was in at last. It was a funny
feeling I couldn't analyze, but I knew
I was going to be in.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
<div class="figleft"><img src="https://brian.carnell.com/wiki/_media/etext:w:william-mcgivern-the-chameleon-man-image_w.jpg" alt="W" width="51" height="40" /></div>
<p>hen I walked into the little
office back stage I found Alice
there talking to Horatio.</p>

<p>She was saying, "There should be
<i>something</i> you could do for the Army,
Horatio," as I walked into the office.</p>

<p>Horatio was standing by the desk,
shoulders slumped. I had to look
twice to make him out against the background
of the desk and wall.</p>

<p>Alice shut up when she saw me.</p>

<p>"Horatio and I were just talking,"
she said.</p>

<p>"Yeah," I said. "Now Horatio and
I are going to do a little talking. Make
yourself scarce."</p>

<p>Alice left and I turned to Horatio.</p>

<p>"What kind of a line was she giving
you?" I snapped.</p>

<p>"Why, gosh, Mr. Flannigan,"
Horatio stammered. "She was just
trying to help me. She's just as interested
in getting me into the Army
as you are. She's a wonderful girl,
Mr. Flannigan."</p>

<p>There was something in his voice
that brought me up with a jolt. The
kid had fallen for the girl as sure
as I stood there.</p>

<p>"Now, look," I said gently. "You
really want to get set with Uncle Sam,
don't you?"</p>

<p>"Why, sure."</p>

<p>"Then listen to me. I'm doing
everything I can for you. And I've
got a deal all lined up. I was just over
at the Army recruiting station and I
think everything is set. Not right
away, but pretty soon."</p>

<p>"Gosh, that's wonderful."</p>

<p>"Now you know who your friend is."
I came over beside him and put my
hand on his shoulder. "I got a little
piece of advice for you that I want
you to take to heart. Stay away
from this kid, Alice. She's no good
for you."</p>

<p>"Now just a minute. You can't&mdash;"</p>

<p>"I'm sorry, kid," I said. I let my
hand fall from his shoulder. "Maybe
I shouldn't tell you, but&mdash;"</p>

<p>"Tell me what?"</p>

<p>"It's only for your own good I'm
doing this. That pretty little blonde
is just going to play you for a sucker.
She's already married."</p>

<p>Horatio gasped. He must have been
pretty sold on the girl.</p>

<p>"I don't believe it," he cried.</p>

<p>"It's God's truth."</p>

<p>"Who is the man?" Horatio cried
brokenly.</p>

<p>"Mystiffio."</p>

<p>"Mystiffio!"</p>

<p>I nodded slowly. "It's a tough
break, kid, but the sooner you forget
her the better." I had already decided
I'd get rid of her. She wouldn't
be hard to replace. Horatio was my
gold mine and I didn't want anyone
to do a scorched-earth job on him.</p>

<p>"But she never told me," he muttered.</p>

<p>"Naturally," I said. "She'll probably
even deny she's married to him
now, but don't let that fool you."</p>

<p>"No, sir," Horatio said. "She won't
make a sucker out of me." His anger
must have subconsciously affected his
visibility mechanism for he was visible
and his lean jaw was hard, but there
was a hurt look in his clear blue eyes.</p>

<p>"That's the boy," I said. "Just remember
who your friends are and
you won't go wrong."</p>

<p>"I won't, Mr. Flannigan," he promised
solemnly.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
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<p>he next afternoon Morry arrived
to see the act. He was dressed in
a natty pin stripe suit and he wore a
big yellow carnation in the buttonhole,
but his sallow face was impassive.</p>

<p>I escorted him down the dark empty
theatre to the front row.</p>

<p>"Just hold your breath now," I told
him. "I'll have the act on stage in a
jiffy."</p>

<p>He yawned and glanced at his watch.</p>

<p>"I haven't got long," he said.</p>

<p>I went backstage and found Alice.</p>

<p>"Hurry up," I said. "Morry is
waiting."</p>

<p>She looked at me as if I'd just
crawled out from the wainscoating.
"I've just talked to the kid," she said.
"He thinks I'm poison. What kind of a
yarn have you been feeding him?"</p>

<p>"Me? Why, honey, that hurts. Do
you think your Uncle Patrick would
breathe an unkind word about you?"</p>

<p>"Well, it's mighty strange," she said.
"He won't even tell me what's biting
him."</p>

<p>"I wouldn't pay any attention to
him," I said. "Perhaps it's all for the
best."</p>

<p>"Hmmm," she said, eyeing me
shrewdly.</p>

<p>"Come on now, be a good kid and
get things rolling. A lot depends on
this you know."</p>

<p>I went back and joined Morry.</p>

<p>Well the act was terrific. Mystiffio
had Morry's eyes sticking out inside
of thirty seconds. I hadn't told Morry
about Horatio. I figured I'd let that
angle ride for a while.</p>

<p>But Morry was really impressed.</p>

<p>"The guy is good," he said. "The
things he does don't seem humanly
possible."</p>

<p>Of course he didn't know that most
of the effects were being created by the
invisible Horatio but what he didn't
know wouldn't hurt him. And he
didn't miss Alice, either. When she
came on stage in her cute, abbreviated
little costume, he straightened up and
opened his eyes.</p>

<p>"The kid is nice," he murmured.</p>

<p>"Are we in?" I demanded.</p>

<p>"Can't say yet. I gotta talk to the
act but I'd say your chances were
pretty good."</p>

<p>I almost swooned with happiness.
The break I'd been waiting for all my
life was here at last. The golden
apples were about ready to drop into
my lap.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
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<p>hen Mystiffio finished his routine
I took Morry backstage. I
found Alice.</p>

<p>"Here she is, Morry," I said. "And
she's just as nice as she looks." I
shoved Alice toward him. "Be nice,
baby," I hissed in her ear.</p>

<p>Morry took one of her little hands
and his eyes were interested.</p>

<p>"I kinda like the act," he said. "If
you could find time to be nice to me
I might like it a whole lot."</p>

<p>Alice takes her hand back as if it had
accidentally brushed something slimy.</p>

<p>"I'm sorry but I don't go with the
act," she snapped. "There are some
things worth more to me than three
meals a day and a paycheck."</p>

<p>"Okay, sister," Morry said without
expression. He turned to me. "Guess
I made a mistake coming up here.
The act is lousy."</p>

<p>"Now wait a minute," I yelled.
"You said it was good. You can't
walk out now." I wheeled to Alice.
"Baby, baby, don't do this to me. Tell
him you're sorry."</p>

<p>Mystiffio came up behind us while
we were talking.</p>

<p>"What is the matter?" he asked.
I noticed he put an arm around Alice's
shoulders. I was too distraught to
think about it.</p>

<p>"Nothing's wrong," I said desperately.
"Alice just took offense at
something Morry said. Nobody meant
any harm."</p>

<p>Mystiffio drew himself up straight
and he grabbed Morry by the lapels.
Morry struggled to free himself but
he was pinioned helplessly.</p>

<p>"You cad! You bounder!" Mystiffio
roared. "Do you mean you've been
making advances to my daughter?"</p>

<p>Daughter! How do you like that!
That just goes to show you never to
trust people.</p>

<p>Morry pulled himself loose.</p>

<p>"You're all crazy," he shouted.
"Lemme out of here."</p>

<p>He wheeled and started away, but
before he had taken two strides he
collided with a solid, unyielding, invisible
substance.</p>

<p>He backed away a few steps, his
mouth working in terror.</p>

<p>"What is it?" he screamed.</p>

<p>"I'm sorry," Horatio's voice sounded
in the air a few feet from Morry.</p>

<p>Morry's face went white; he stared
wildly about for another instant and
then charged madly out of the theatre,
screaming in terror.</p>

<hr style="width: 45%;" />
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<p>&nbsp; chased after him, but it was
a hopeless effort. When I got to the
sidewalk he was gone. Moodily I
slumped back into the theatre and
went backstage. My big opportunity
was gone, but I still had Horatio.</p>

<p>I found Alice in the office and she
was alone. She smiled sweetly when
she saw me.</p>

<p>"You too, Brutus," I muttered.
Then I thought about my meal ticket
and looked worriedly around the room.</p>

<p>"Where's Horatio?" I snapped.</p>

<p>"Horatio," she smiled, "is gone. Too
bad you missed him. He would have
liked to say goodbye."</p>

<p>"Goodbye!" I shrieked. "Where's he
going?"</p>

<p>"Into the Army," Alice said sweetly.
"Isn't it wonderful?"</p>

<p>"You're crazy," I shouted. "The
Army won't take him."</p>

<p>"I arranged a little something for
him," Alice said. "I'm sure he'll be
very useful in the camouflage department."</p>

<p><i>Camouflage!</i></p>

<p>I groaned and sank into a chair.</p>

<p>"Yes," Alice said pleasantly, "when
he learned that Mystiffio was my
father&mdash;not my husband as you so
cleverly told him&mdash;he was quite angry
for a while. But of course he felt better
when he thought it over. And he
was very happy to take my suggestion
to apply for a commission in the camouflage.
I think Horatio and I are going
to get along nicely."</p>

<p>I groaned again.</p>

<p>Mystiffio stuck his head in the door.</p>

<p>"Goodbye," he said. "Ready,
dear?"</p>

<p>"Yes," Alice said, moving to the
door. "I'm ready."</p>

<p>"Now wait a minute," I cried.
"Where are you two going? You're
the last act I've got."</p>

<p>"I am enlisting!" Mystiffio said
proudly.</p>

<p>"As what?"</p>

<p>"Signal corps, in charge of messenger
pigeons."</p>

<p>Mystiffio flapped his coat tail and a
lone pigeon fluttered into the air. "I've
had a lot of experience with the little
devils."</p>

<p>I groaned again and dropped my
head in my hands.</p>

<p>What was left?</p>

<p>When I looked up, Mystiffio and
Alice had gone.</p>

<p>For a moment I sat there staring
about the quiet dusty office. Then I
stood up and I knew what I was going
to do.</p>

<p>I put my hat on and walked out
of the building. I didn't stop walking
until I reached the Marine recruiting
office. A big poster said, "The
Marines Promise You Action!"</p>

<p>I walked in. Nothing could be
worse than what I'd just been through.
I felt contented for the first time in
sixteen years.</p>

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